REFLECTIONS ON HER FIRST YEAR.

1) Her existence / presence. I love knowing her. We’re all kind of obsessed. We thought long and hard on whether or not to move forward trying for #3 (back-to-back early losses in summer 2019 once we opened up to the possibility). Did practical pro/con list-making, woo healing, and everything in between so that I wouldn’t have a fantasy that life would be better or worse one way or another. In the end I felt clear I’d always regret not giving her a little more time to join us in the physical. (I say this because I also had two early losses between my sons, and my theory is that it was her little spirit each time. Nobody will convince me otherwise ;))

2) My sleep. She has slept in our room this whole dang time. By choice and laziness because I’m nursing and don’t want to creep sleepily up and down the stairs at night if she needs soothing. Also okay with it because…

3) Certainty. I feel 100% clear and complete that we are donedudundunDONE. Gang’s all here. I never felt that (on a clear, biological, that’s a wrap folks! level) after one or two. I am certain now. I’m super thankful I get to have that privilege of clear closure, fully aware that’s not a thing for many families for many reasons.

4) Logistics. We haven’t been getting out much (for global pandemic reasons), BUT of course when you reset the baby clock that also means you can’t pack lightly anymore. She rolls with gear. We’d saved everything but carseats, for the most part. Now she’s toddling, so the baby gates are back out and the outlets are covered one by one. That’s effort, but temporary.

CONTEXT: I had my three at ages 26, 30, and 35. The full-term pregnancies were all obnoxiously breezy. (Perhaps a gift in exchange for the four that ended so abruptly.)

My kiddos are about 4.5 years apart on average. I like the spacing. It’s wild to witness the various developmental stages in tandem (4th grade, kindergarten, toddler mode), but I love it because it helps me stay more present to how fast they go from one season to the next. My husband and I are both home (most of the time) now. We haven’t hired pro sitters yet because of that and because we live near family (we lived in Hawaii for the first six years of parenting), BUT it absolutely is a bigger ask (and bigger value$) with three.

Aside from ALL the other factors at play, it’s hard and complicated imagining what this round of humans will face in their lifetime. That said, I genuinely believe the ones who make their presence known (for any length of time) all have something meaningful to contribute to the bigger picture, just like their parents do. ❤️